. . wanted something so badly that your wanting it so badly made it seem like the perfect thing. And you came to believe there was no way such a perfect thing could ever come your way. And then it looked like it was coming your way, just slightly, maybe 10% of the whole. And then it all went away suddenly. And you didn't know why exactly, you just knew that it hurt really badly, and that you were now below 0%. And you thought maybe it was because you hadn't been satisfied with the 10%, and were seen to be trying for the whole 100%, or maybe it was because you really shouldn't be going for even 1% of it at all.

And after you thought it had all gone away, its shadow cast itself across your heart, and you wanted to be back at least to 0% again, but you didn't even think that would be possible. So you just tried getting back in the arena, certain nothing would work again like it did the first time, but unable to do anything but follow your heart. And then you knew, with the memory of the great pain you had suffered, that you couldn't take the risk of going backwards again--any forward movement, or even a holding pattern, would satisfy you.

So this time you'd do it with the pretense of not wanting the 100% at all, since looking like you did might have gotten you into trouble the first time. And then God showed you it wasn't all lost to begin with, or He just flat out gave you a second chance. And He did it with Great Coincidences that couldn't be ignored or denied, as they must mean something or He wouldn't have taken the time to arrange them.

So the forward movement continued, matched every once in a while by a holding pattern, until you had maybe 50% of the whole, which was much more than you ever thought possible when you were back below 0%. And that 50% brought you back to life, brought you to your senses, brought you music, beauty, and love after several years in the Wilderness. And that 50% looked so good to you now that you knew, for the first time in your life, why some people played it safe, held on to what they had instead of going for it all. And the fear of losing that 50% by going for 100%, and the realization of how it might not just fall back to 0%, but could crash through the ground to negative 40%, say, kept you from trying for the next 50%.

But you knew to keep waiting for answers, wondering at signs, and worrying about possible outcomes would take the chance at 100% away by itself, and maybe the 50%, too, to the extent that was based on hopes for more. And this has happened so many times in your life, you didn't want it to happen again. You knew you couldn't keep avoiding your life.

So you tried to clear your head, get some perspective, put some distance between you and the arena, but God kept throwing Coincidences at you. And you thought by the Coincidences God was throwing, and the way He wouldn't let you avoid them, that this was the Big One you had to face, for all of those other Big Ones you avoided in life--the ones that put you in the Wilderness to begin with-- if you wanted to redeem your life. And you wished you were better at all of this, that you had done it before, that you weren't so wrapped up in the fear of losing a good thing, that you could be a bit more reckless?
© 2000 by Michael J. Farrand

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