"AN OFFER HE CAN'T REFUSE"
by
Michael J. Farrand

 

CAST:  MICHAEL CORLEONE 40s-50s, TONY MONTANA 20s-30s.

SETTING:  MICHAEL CORLEONE's office on the day of his daughter's birthday.

TIME:  Day.  Contemporary.

AT RISE:  MICHAEL CORLEONE sits at his desk, TONY MONTANA in a chair.

 

TONY

Godfather Corleone, Godfather motherfuckin' Corleone. There you sit, man. Lookin' beautiful like something straight out of a fuckin' movie, man.

 

MICHAEL

Antonio Montana, today is the day of my daughter's wedding. The family celebrate outside while I speak with you. Please. Show some respect.

 

TONY

Is that what that is? A wedding reception, man? I thought it was a fuckin' picnic, or something like that, man.

 

MICHAEL

Around here we don't show off, Antonio. That's how we stay in business.

 

TONY

Showin' off, is that what you fuckin' call it, man? Down in Miami we call it letting the fuckin' bendejos know who's fuckin' boss, man.

 

MICHAEL

And who is the boss of Miami, Antonio?

 

TONY

You're fuckin' lookin' at him, man. Antonio Montana. I'm the meanest motherfuckin' goddamn badass motherfucker who ever walked the motherfuckin' streets of fuckin' Miami, man.

 

MICHAEL

I see, Antonio.

 

TONY

Right from the start, Godfather, I want you to know I never took nobody out who didn't have it fuckin' comin' to him, man.

 

MICHAEL

That's a good boy, Antonio.

 

TONY

Call me fuckin' 'Tony', Godfather. I can't be fuckin' walkin' around my fuckin' neighborhood being called fuckin' Antonio, man.

 

MICHAEL

All right, Antonio, I'll call you 'fuckin' Tony'.

 

TONY

Now that's something fuckin' to write home to your motherfuckin' mother about, man. Godfather motherfuckin' Corleone is callin' me fuckin' 'Tony', man.

 

MICHAEL

Tony. The wedding reception won't last much longer. Please tell me what I can do for you, or wait until I have another daughter.

 

TONY

That shouldn't take that long, Godfather, at the rate you're fuckin' goin', man.

 

(TONY makes lewd Italianate gestures, MICHAEL makes apologetic ones.)

 

TONY

I mean no disrespect to your fuckin' daughter, man.

 

MICHAEL

For my daughter, Tony, the fuckin' starts tonight.

 

TONY

You are so fuckin' right, Godfather.

 

(TONY makes lewd gestures.)

 

MICHAEL

If you don't state your problem pretty soon, Tony, you and me . . . we're going to start having other problems. Bigger ones.

 

TONY

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Godfather. I apologize from the bottom of my motherfuckin' heart, man. But, I got a fuckin' problem, man. A real motherfuckin' problem.

 

MICHAEL

Yes, Antonio?

 

TONY

I'm making a shitload of fuckin' money, man. I got a mansion fuckin' God could live in, man. And people all over fuckin' Miami fuckin' fear me, man. I mean they fuckin' fear me, Godfather.

 

MICHAEL

I fail to see the problem, Tony.

 

TONY

Oh, Godfather.

(HE kneels down and throws HIMSELF into MICHAEL'S lap.)

It's fuckin' women, man. I don't know how to handle fuckin' women, man!

 

MICHAEL

Now that could be a fuckin' problem, Tony.

 

TONY

You don't even know, Godfather. She calls me fuckin' names, man. She complains all the fuckin' time, man. Nothin's ever fuckin' enough with her, man. Now I think she's fuckin' sleepin' around on me, man. I don't know what to fuckin' do, man.

(TONY cries. MICHAEL slaps HIM.)

 

MICHAEL

You can act like a man!

(Imitates TONY.)

'She calls me names. She complains all the time. Nothin's ever enough. I don't know what to do. Boo hoo.' Look at you! You're weak. You are a disgrace to self-respecting gangsters everywhere.

 

TONY

(Cries.)

I know, Godfather. I know I'm a fuckin' disgrace. That's why I've come to you, man. I've got nowhere else to fuckin' go, Godfather Corleone.

 

MICHAEL

That's the one thing you've done right so far. You've come to me. And now I'm going to help you out of your predicament, Antonio Montana.

(TONY kneels and kisses MICHAEL's hand.)

 

TONY

Thank you, Godfather. Thank you so fuckin' much, man.

(MICHAEL helps TONY back to HIS seat.)

 

MICHAEL

First you have to tell me her name.

 

TONY

It's Poopsie, man.

 

MICHAEL

Poopsie.

 

TONY

Yes, it's fuckin' Poopsie, man.

(Cries.)

 

MICHAEL

Antonio Montana, you're earning ten or twelve million dollars a month tax-free.

 

TONY

Yes, Godfather.

 

MICHAEL

You've got a mansion God and his archangels could live in comfortably.

 

TONY

Yes, Godfather.

 

MICHAEL

And you're the meanest Cuban that ever walked the streets of Miami.

 

TONY

The meanest goddamn one, Godfather.

 

MICHAEL

Then do you mind if I ask you a question?

 

TONY

Yes, Godfather?

 

MICHAEL

What are you doing with a woman named fuckin' Poopsie?

 

TONY

Her real fuckin' name is Elvira, man. No way I'm callin' my fuckin' woman Elvira in front of the fuckin' bendejos, man.

 

MICHAEL

So, you call her Poopsie, instead.

 

TONY

That's fuckin' right, Godfather.

 

MICHAEL

Describe Poopsie for me, Tony.

 

TONY

She's like Michelle Pfieffer with boobs, man.

 

MICHAEL

Michelle Pfieffer with boobs.

 

TONY

Yes, Godfather. She's like fuckin' Michelle Pfieffer with fuckin' boobs, man.

 

MICHAEL

I see. She's like fuckin' Michelle Pfieffer with fuckin' boobs, man. And she calls you names, complains all the time, and now you think she may be sleeping around on you?

 

TONY

That's right, Godfather. That's fuckin' right, man.

(Cries.)

 

MICHAEL

This is a bad case, Tony. Very bad. Perhaps the worst I've seen.

 

TONY

I know, Godfather. It's fuckin' bad, man. What am I gonna fuckin' do, man?

 

MICHAEL

I'm going to have to handle this one myself, Tony.

(Pats TONY on the head.)

 

TONY

You mean you're comin' to fuckin' Miami, man?

 

MICHAEL

That's right, Tony, I'm coming to fuckin' Miami.

 

TONY

What are you gonna fuckin' do in fuckin' Miami, man?

 

MICHAEL

When I come to fuckin' Miami, I'm going to show Poopsie some fuckin' Italian sausage. Some real fine fuckin' Italian sausage.

 

TONY

But this is fuckin' Miami, man. We use fuckin' chorizo in Miami, man.

 

MICHAEL

Up to now, Tony. But Michael Corleone is going to introduce the pleasures of real fine Italian sausage to Miami.

(Grabs HIS crotch.)

All this talk about fuckin' has got my Italian blood up.




TO BE CONTINUED.

© copyright 2003 Michael J. Farrand