THE DAY GOD INVENTED BLUEGRASS
I.
It was a day much like any other day
The day God invented bluegrass
Except that He was in a bit of a mood
Having listened to so much jazz.
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"Those mountain boys are gonna need music, too!"
He proclaimed with a little sigh
When He got like this there wasn't much I could do
If He said "Jump!" I said "How high?"
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He's been turning to me ever since that day
That He wrote "Ave Maria"
I was the one who gave it to Shubert
Now He chants it like a mantra.
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We both know He can't turn to Gabriel
He's just such a jerk anymore
Ever since he tangled with that bad boy Lucifer
All he thinks of is Holy War.
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Against such Evil I preach non-resistance
In front of swine I say to cast pearls
I much prefer peace, love, and harmony
To bringing misery to the world.
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II.
That's how I became God's go-to archangel
For His pet musical projects
But this time I had to find Him a phenom
From pretty pitiful prospects.
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We had this kid down in Mississippi
The one with a cleft in his lip
For him to introduce bluegrass would require
Surgically removing his hip.
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This other guy stayed perpetually drunk
But we just had too much to lose
Better to save him for a style of music
Where the songs were all about booze.
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We were stuck with this big bore from Kentucky
Logic said that he had to be white
But I knew black men create the best music
Somehow it just didn't seem right.
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III.
"It's about time I invented that bluegrass"
God thundered at me way too loud
As I feverishly rushed to his office
I tripped and fell into a cloud.
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At that moment I had a flash of genius
As I climbed out of all that white stuff
If we could get a black man on the banjo
That might liven things up enough.
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Of course I let God think it His idea
Taking credit is such a bore
"Let's get a black man in on this thing" He said
"That should get them shouting for more."
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IV.
The Heavens seemed to forget about rumbling
Not like they did for "Ave Maria"
It seemed almost like a non-event
No angels sang "Hallelujah".
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I thought we'd get much more from the Cosmos
The day God invented bluegrass
The way it ignored the dawning made me doubt
This music would ever kick ass.
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I could foresee the dim future for bluegrass
Beloved only in the hollers
Maybe the weed-smokin' festival dudes
Would spend a few of their dollars.
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They would be peace, love, and harmony affairs
For the crunchy Birkenstock crowd
These should be my people, but the thought of them
Makes me want to laugh right out loud.
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V.
I saw that we needed a phenomenon
Like the guy with the loose pelvis
But given our target audience I knew
He needn't be quite so outrageous.
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So I called down to the personnel department
I ordered up some of that charisma
Talent plus good looks were a requirement
"But, go easy on the rhumba."
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They promised to return to the drawing board
They'd have to retool the factory
They assured me the guy they were conceiving
Would be the craze of the century.
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VI.
That's when those boys really got down to business
They sure outdid themselves this time
They put Elvis, Hank, and Bill Monroe to shame
You're so good you could be a crime.
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You have all the charm of a fallen angel
Without having taken the fall
The musical genius of Africa
Behind Irish eyes that enthrall.
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So when you see me at your musical gigs
Swirling like some Heavenly mass
Kick ass so that you'll exonerate me for
The day God invented bluegrass.
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