THE DAY GOD INVENTED BLUEGRASS
It was a day much like any other day|
The day God invented bluegrass
Except that He was in a bit of a mood
Having listened to so much jazz.
"Those mountain boys are gonna need music, too!"|
He proclaimed with a little sigh
When He got like this there wasn't much I could do
If He said "Jump!" I said "How high?"
He's been turning to me ever since that day|
That He wrote "Ave Maria"
I was the one who gave it to Shubert
Now He chants it like a mantra.
We both know He can't turn to Gabriel|
He's just such a jerk anymore
Ever since he tangled with that bad boy Lucifer
All he thinks of is Holy War.
Against such Evil I preach non-resistance|
In front of swine I say to cast pearls
I much prefer peace, love, and harmony
To bringing misery to the world.
That's how I became God's go-to archangel|
For His pet musical projects
But this time I had to find Him a phenom
From pretty pitiful prospects.
We had this kid down in Mississippi|
The one with a cleft in his lip
For him to introduce bluegrass would require
Surgically removing his hip.
This other guy stayed perpetually drunk|
But we just had too much to lose
Better to save him for a style of music
Where the songs were all about booze.
We were stuck with this big bore from Kentucky|
Logic said that he had to be white
But I knew black men create the best music
Somehow it just didn't seem right.
"It's about time I invented that bluegrass"|
God thundered at me way too loud
As I feverishly rushed to his office
I tripped and fell into a cloud.
At that moment I had a flash of genius|
As I climbed out of all that white stuff
If we could get a black man on the banjo
That might liven things up enough.
Of course I let God think it His idea|
Taking credit is such a bore
"Let's get a black man in on this thing" He said
"That should get them shouting for more."
The Heavens seemed to forget about rumbling|
Not like they did for "Ave Maria"
It seemed almost like a non-event
No angels sang "Hallelujah".
I thought we'd get much more from the Cosmos|
The day God invented bluegrass
The way it ignored the dawning made me doubt
This music would ever kick ass.
I could foresee the dim future for bluegrass|
Beloved only in the hollers
Maybe the weed-smokin' festival dudes
Would spend a few of their dollars.
They would be peace, love, and harmony affairs|
For the crunchy Birkenstock crowd
These should be my people, but the thought of them
Makes me want to laugh right out loud.
I saw that we needed a phenomenon|
Like the guy with the loose pelvis
But given our target audience I knew
He needn't be quite so outrageous.
So I called down to the personnel department|
I ordered up some of that charisma
Talent plus good looks were a requirement
"But, go easy on the rhumba."
They promised to return to the drawing board|
They'd have to retool the factory
They assured me the guy they were conceiving
Would be the craze of the century.
That's when those boys really got down to business|
They sure outdid themselves this time
They put Elvis, Hank, and Bill Monroe to shame
You're so good you could be a crime.
You have all the charm of a fallen angel|
Without having taken the fall
The musical genius of Africa
Behind Irish eyes that enthrall.
So when you see me at your musical gigs|
Swirling like some Heavenly mass
Kick ass so that you'll exonerate me for
The day God invented bluegrass.