THE TRUE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS

Santa Claus Addresses the Troops

Boys!
This is Santa Claus
Speaking to you
On the Eve of
Christmas
The year of our Lord
2002
Even though you no longer
Believe in me
Ho, ho, ho!

Not so long ago
I used to bring you
Gifts
On Christmas Eve
Until you stopped
Believing.

Now
I speak to you
On the eve
Of a great battle
Perhaps the spark
That lights the
Tinder box
That ignites the
Conflagration
That incinerates the
Whole wide world
Ho, ho, ho!

And
I speak to you
On the eve
Of the
Commemorative birthday
Of our Messiah.

Those people
Those "ragheads"
Don't believe in Him
They say
He wasn't
Christ
And for that
They must die!
Ho, ho, ho!

Yes
Holy War
And you
Are the
Soldiers of Christ
Ho, ho, ho!

But
Captain America
Did not send
Santa Claus
To speak to you
About
Holy War
For that
He should send
The Pope
Ho, ho, ho!

No
Captain America
Sent me to speak
To you
Because I am
The symbol
Of Christmas
And that is what
This war is about:
The True Spirit of Christmas.

Christmas today
Is about
Buying things
And that's what made
America great
Buying things!
Ho, ho, ho!

The American Dream:
Buying things
Depends on the
Availability
Of one thing
In this world:
Cheap oil

We don't have
Enough
Cheap oil
In America
But we do have
Soldiers of Christ!
Ho, ho, ho!

And while you are
Over here
Fighting for
The American Dream
Your loved ones
At home
Are buying things
Many, many things
I know
Because
I have to
Deliver them!
Ho, ho, ho!

In fact
The goods
In my little sleigh
Represent
Half of the
Retail profits
For the entire year
So I come to you
As your prophet
Your prophet
Of retail profits!
Ho, ho, ho!

Boys!
You need not
Believe
In Santa Claus
To be a good soldier
Of Christ
But you must
Believe
In Christmas
That is
The True Spirit of Christmas.

As you know
Jesus Christ
Was not born
Tomorrow
In the dead of
Winter
Boys!
You know
Jesus Christ
Was born
At harvest time
At the end of
Summer.

But
The Romans used to
Throw a festival
Each year
At about this time
They called it:
Saturnalia
It began on
The Winter Solstice
The shortest day
Of the year
And ran several days.

During
Saturnalia
A bunch of
Pagans
Did unspeakable things
With other
Pagans
In the streets
To welcome
The rebirth
Of the sun.

We didn't like
The sun
Getting all that
Attention
So we
Obliterated
Their holiday
Adopted their
Rituals
And called it
Christmas
Ho, ho, ho!

Rebirth
Of the sun
Became
Birth
of the Son
Get it?

So in
The True Spirit of Christmas
Obliterate these
Pagans
Take their
Cheap oil
Go home
And buy things!
Live the American Dream!
Ho, ho, ho!

On behalf of
Captain America
On behalf of
The Pope
On behalf of
Our consumers
And on behalf of
Good little Christian
Boys and girls
All across America
I thank you
And wish you a
Very Merry Christmas
Now
Go get those bastards!
Ho, ho, ho!
© 2002 by Michael J. Farrand


| contact | send | gifts | more | next |